To what are you dedicated?

In my cultural experience as an American, I’ve come to accept that inevitable question that is immediately asked after introducing ourselves: “So Jenny, what do you do?

Ugh. I HATE this question. With a passion. I accept it, but I wish we could except it. What it is really asking is, “How do you make your income?”. When we hear the answer to this question we have soooo much valuable information about a person such as: how much money they make, how much schooling they’ve completed, in what socio-economic environment they were likely raised, possibly their political tendencies, and even their religious/moral values (or at least we think we have all of this information). I get it. It’s a starting point for small talk. However, I wonder how many people (besides many stay-at-home moms) have really thought about why, as a culture, we ask THIS, of all questions, first?  Is someone’s job, career, or occupation THE most important thing we care know about them? The question itself speaks volumes of our values in America: work, money, status… things.

If you haven’t deduced yet, I am currently not employed, and because I’m a mom, by default (and computer drop-down menus) I’m considered a “stay-at-home mom.” YUK! - another phrase I HATE. So when I’m in the US and people ask me “What do you do?”, I feel annoyed, defensive, and I end up rambling on uncomfortably about what and where I studied, that I worked in business and was a teacher for five years teaching xyz, and blah, blah, blah...as if I have to justify myself because at the present moment I just stay at home, not contributing financially, and you are judging me for that *eye roll*.

Before we moved to Spain I read that one main difference between the two cultures is that Americans “Live to work”, and Spaniards “Work to live.” What an interesting contradiction. Two completely different orientations towards doing. I also learned that when meeting people for the first time in Spain, this “What do you do?” question is not often asked. The conversation may lead to it, but usually, questions about hobbies, sports, travel, music, and leisure lead to the discovery of common interests and inspire conversation. If you want to ask a Spaniard “What do you do?” in Spanish you say “¿A que se dedica?” which translates directly to “To what are you dedicated?”.

“To what are you dedicated?” - Now THERE is a question I can work with!!!! To this question I can confidently, happily, and enthusiastically tell you that I dedicate my time to supporting my husband and his work, to raising two kind, happy, healthy children, to my extended family, to routine exercise and fitness, to reading, to researching, shopping for, and cooking healthy whole-foods meals, to various outdoor sports, to language learning, to socializing with different groups of people, to eight hours sleep, to cleaning, to world travel, to writing, to arts and crafts projects, and to giving gratitude for all of this because I don’t have to earn income at the moment.  Now let’s talk!

Living in Spain, I feel a freedom from that cultural pressure to “Do! Achieve! Earn! Buy!” that exists in the US. This is a bit ironic because by my own nature I am very much a “doer" and someone who tends to be task-driven. I even find it difficult to paint my toenails because you have to sit still for at least 30 minutes while they dry! (Ain’t nobody got time for that.) I really like to do and I feel accomplished when I do. But if what I do does not generate income, is it not valuable? This must be the case because in the US I feel totally ashamed to answer the question, “What do you do?” if I'm not earning an income.

American prosperity is based on doing. We are a very productive society, the result of doing, which increases our standard of living. I’m proud to be an American in terms of our work ethic, which was modeled most exceptionally to me by my “workaholic” parents who were public school teachers and coaches. They worked year-round for over thirty years, sacrificing leisure, and social lives to give my sister and I the best quality of life they could. They were extremely productive during their working years and their work-driven lives set a high standard for us girls to follow.

America prospers when we make money and spend money. This is the capitalist machine. For the machine to work, we need to continuously increase our productivity, which leads to an infinite need to do. Plus, if we do, there are endless opportunities to spend money on products and services that will ‘make our lives’ better- or at least that is the message we are subject to through marketing anywhere from 3,000-20,000 times a day. Capitalism and marketing messages inherently shape our culture and for America, the message is bigger, better, faster, newer, and more, more, more! Always more! Just do it! This insight into American culture is nothing new.

However, over the past week I gained a new insight into how our culture is shaped by our language. I realized (“me di cuenta”) that I say the word “do” countless times throughout the day, every day - something I hadn't noticed before. For example, ”What do you think?”, “Do you want to go?”, “Do you feel OK?” are very common phrases that we routinely use. It first occurred to me first when my daughter brought home her English book from school. She attends a Spanish public school and they are learning English as a second language so she has a proper British-English book teaching basic conversation. I flipped open to a page and read the dialog between two characters: “Have you got a book?”, “No, I haven’t got a book.” I burst out laughing because I have never said either of these phrases in my entire life. As Americans, we would say “Do you have a book?”, "Yes, I do have a book." As I processed this dialog, I quickly felt ashamed for laughing, and then confused, when I realized the phrase “Do, you have a book?” makes no sense at all. We have added the verb do for no reason. The verb is ‘to have’ and there is nothing about ‘doing’ that relates to the purpose of the dialog. Weird. The English language is so strange, with inconsistent rules and confusing grammar, but I found this use of  “do” to be particularly puzzling, especially because I don’t hear our British friends saying it.

Why do we use the word do in practically everything we say? I quickly jotted down a few common phrases we would say using the verb do. If I translated these phrases to Spanish, every sentence would use a different verb, and ironically, none would include the verb “hacer” (to do).

Do you have a book?                Tener

Do you think?                              Pensar

Do you know where she is?        Saber

Do you talk to him?                     Hablar

How do you feel?                        Sentirse

These socks do not match.         Coincidir

Do you wake up early?               Levantarse

Not only do we orientate our American lives around doing, we use the verb hundreds of times daily (often unnecessarily). I can’t believe that this constant use of the word doesn’t profoundly shape our subconscious. To a large extent, language shapes the reality of our lives and until now, I’d never considered how much our language lends itself to reinforcing this American value of doing.

Since then, I’ve started paying attention to other verbs we frequently use. When I was having coffee with my Spanish friend and intercambio (language exchange partner) this week, she was trying to tell me that her parents “cuidan” her children. I knew this verb meant “to care for.” She asked me how to say this in English and I automatically responded with “They take care of your children.” She slowly repeated it back to me, “They... take care of…” then paused and said, “take?”. “Why they take?”.  I apologized for yet another unexplainable English nuance and have since paid close attention to my use of the verb take which, like do, we use ALL the time and for no logical reason. In the fifteen examples below, there are fifteen different verbs one would use in Spanish, yet we involve the concept of take into all of them.

My parents take care of the kids.            Cuidar

I’m going to take a bath.                          Banarse

Let’s take a trip!                                       Viajar

Take a look at that.                                  Mirar

Don’t take a picture.                                Sacar (un foto)

That doesn’t take long.                            Durar

I’m taking the kids to school.                   Llevar

Take a walk instead.                                Caminar or Dar un paseo

Take a break.                                           Descansar

When does your plane take off?             Salir

Please take part in this event.                 Participar

Do you take checks?                               Aceptar

Which way should we take?                    Ir  

Take a deep breath.                                Respirar

Take a test.                                             Hacer

How selfish are we to take, take, take all the time??? Even if I am taking care of someone it suggests that perhaps it’s an act of self-benefit rather than selflessness. Like the continual use of the verb do, I can’t believe that using this word take all the time doesn’t affect our subconscious- conceivably in creating a sense of entitlement over others. Would we feel differently about ourselves and towards each other if we “gave care to others, “breathed deep breaths”, and “participated in events” without thinking in terms of taking or doing?

Doing, is inherently task-focused, rather than people focused, another stark difference in culture that I've observed between America and Spain. I’m not trying to throw America under the bus here, but I do want to call out how important language is in shaping our culture. As I immerse myself in this new culture and a different language, I'm presented with the opportunity to see these differences in how I think in ways that I'd never considered before. Why do we say the words do and take so much?

If our language is driven by doing and taking, our actions will result in competition and self-interest - ultimately limiting what we can aspire to collectively.  Most importantly, we need to reflect on how the words we use on a daily basis define who we are as individuals, as a society, and how can we use language to encourage, include, validate, and inspire each other to be our best selves and our best community.

In English one refers to their body as my head, my leg, or my arm.

In Spanish one refers to body parts as the head (la cabeza), the leg (la pierna), or the arm (el brazo).

A subtle difference, but can it can totally shape our orientation towards our body. Thinking about the body in terms of “mine” involves ego expectations of what it should be. If one thinks about the body in terms of “the body” that I just happen to be living in, there is no ego attachment. Therefore, it is much easier to feel gratitude for those working arms, the legs that can run, and the head that allows me to think - all perceived as a privilege rather than an entitlement.

Language is fascinating, powerful, and life-changing. I aspire to do great things in life, but is that what life's all about? Or am I just an English speaking American?